Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
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