you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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