I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
