I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
