sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
