if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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