I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
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