I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Randomize
