I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
