I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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