also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
