you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
