The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
