I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
