Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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