She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
