Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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