He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
