I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
