im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
did i just pee glitter
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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