Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
