All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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