hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We left the knife in your bed.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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