hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Just invented taco cereal.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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