I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
