Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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