it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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