you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
