I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
