She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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