you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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