cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
