I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
