If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
