I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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