My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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