video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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