If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
