So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She even gives head with a lisp.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
