the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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