I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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