I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
