he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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