4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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