My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
