I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
