I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
