She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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