is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
