you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
