apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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