So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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