We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
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