Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
