i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
