If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
