She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
