I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
