FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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