mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
