apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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